Not much seems to be ‘autopilot’ to me. I am very aware of everything I do. For example, I hate wearing pants in the apartment, but sometimes I think I’d be better off wearing them so that I wouldn’t have to think about it. I often wonder if the lawyers across the street can see into my apartment. I highly doubt they can, but there’s a small chance.
Every time I look someone in the eyeballs, I am very aware that I’m doing it. I dislike eye contact…a lot. I find it distracting and awkward. Every time I say “hello” or ask someone how they’re doing, I am very aware that it’s mostly an act. Most people will say, “I’m well.” or something similar. Few people care. That doesn’t make them terrible people. It’s just society’s way.
This is what I think drives me to drink for a buzz. When I drink, I don’t care as much about all of this. I wonder how common this is with others who have ASD or even social anxiety. I do not believe I have the latter, but I can imagine some people in that category are also driven to drink to let loose.
I had two “homework” assignments from my therapist yesterday. One was to deliver my rent check to my landlord in person instead of just slipping it in his mail box and running away. The other was to abstain from drinking for three days and renew it to another three days (and another, and another) if I wanted, or drink (but no more than 10 ounces of wine a day). I also must wait until 5 p.m. to have a drink, as I enjoy daytime drinking a little too much. I realize there is a stigma attached to daytime drinking, but I don’t quite understand why.
I put my holiday lights up around my window a few minutes ago. As usual, I was without pants. I do wear underwear, in case you were wondering. Sometimes I just forget that I’m not wearing them, you know?